In between dodging flu/cold bugs and the incessant snow the whole system gets loaded. The more I try the spring (late winter) gets harder each year. After all the pieces get fit and the order is taken I always realize that the one piece I needed has been left out. Time. Time gets subtracted, never added. Aside from throwing away sleep I can't find more. Gliding across the snow and the asphalt, looking for stashes of dirt I'm left pushing as I'm pulled the other way. Maybe next year, too many times that's been said. Too much in the queue, too little in trash.


An Emotional Robot

An emotional robot, stuck between 2 places, one side is soft the other analytical and eerily well, void. empty spaces filled with the 1000 yard vision, looking too close obscures the whole picture, the focus needs to farther down field, avoiding myopic thoughts in favor of long(er) views. Clear.


Short, Sharp

Listening to whatever weather phenomenon is happening in the darkness puts me back on the 3rd climb today as I rode out of the wind into the cold, knowing full well it was coming back at that same point, the swirling winds didn't change directions at all on the short 2.5 hour out-and-back ride. I can't really call it training because it lacked any structure, at all, if the hill seemed friendly I'd ride better, if it was an angry climb I'd react in kind.
Stopping to pee and adjust my stem (it's never truly straight) I wondered what it was that pushed my pedals, up thru the clouds and clearly not the work I was familiar with, this was real work just, ahh, unfocused-to put it nicely. Not far, not hard, not anything aside from my time, alone. I guess there was another cyclist on climb #1 who wanted to ride, he forgot the friendly disposition that climb has, it's friendly...I rode it alone.
The buzz of the embro on the legs only added to the comfort the snow banks on the road side on climb #3 gave me, as the line recedes uphill you know the climbs get better when the 6 foot bank mocks your progress and the mud is from the slowly melting snows more than anything resembling a recent storm.


Late Day

I liked it while I had it but now a few months on I'm not so sure. I'm on the next stage and the reflections are past looking forward is better than back. Last Sunday cleared a lot and made me realize how far away I am from form. It's comforting, I haven't been cold since; knowing that good legs are 6 weeks way and I didn't overdo anything too much since January. It keeps me warm to know I have this heat built up, it's warming me from the inside. I'm excited to smell pineapple and look at cliffs instead of cornices, green not my monochrome late winter landscape.


Long View

To ride clean right now is to lie to yourself, fake form you know deep inside isn't there and will not be for a long time. I am a liar, my rides already done since December are a farce, smoke and mirrors to quiet my head and ease my legs away from the ledge. Zoloft for the lazy, feckless winter rider. More miles could have been mine but I succumb to the draw of warmth and shelter. I had it all for the taking, instead I failed. Sunday calls for penance for the work I didn't do, the cold I couldn't take, the dedication I wanted. I wanted it that way maybe, I needed a cold winter to realize my errors, breathe in my weakness and smell more failure. Without that why keep going? If it came without time and effort would October feel as good? Would the blood in my throat be less sweet?



I want to be more grounded, sometimes I find myself feeling much too up in the air. I am constantly looking for solid ground, whether I slip for real or metaphorically I lack good footing. A product of poor planning no doubt. In the end (sooner?) I'll maybe know what that is but until I can't find an answer. Maybe that's the trick, try to find your ground, your cleats, the special traction that is uniquely suited to fill the grooves that belong only to you. I know mine to be different from most but also a similar pattern to a few. As I watch the calendar move it only muddies the water adding to my slippery footing to where they've not yet been. I think the key will be to understand that the ground moves, not one way, many.



I missed the timing Thursday, I thought it was going to get worse, it didn't. Mid afternoon sun instead of more snow. Instead I skated and slid across the paved road to the plowed dirt road, all morning until I pulled the plug. The pedals and the snow worked in harmony, what I assumed was going to be shitty was better up higher, less sitting slush, more firm snow.


Friday made me feel better about the world, finally the first ride without slush in about 2 weeks. The dichotomy of drawing motivation from riding in shitty weather so I can enjoy the longer days in the sun. I think if the weather was always good I wouldn't appreciate the beating I get from grapple, and being soaked thru from the road spray around my fenders. Being out for almost 4 and a half hours settled me, not only the legs but further up from there. Breaking a few dishes in the process but not crushing. The subtle humming in my legs is an alarm clock, waking up the lazy bones.