Seeing things quite close to what they really are

I see things that aren't immediately disparate. I always look for the negative space, waste makes me unhappy, food, resources whatever it is but I get bothered by it. I know surfeit is our undoing as a culture, as a world, but I can only control what is in my vicinity, I lack the power to change beyond what I can touch, only to get the most out of what I have. Sure, the activist sees everything as bigger than it is, I want things smaller, I want less, of nearly everything except miles. My pieces wilt in the shade, outside in the sun, snow and rain I thrive and the negative space fades into a clearer picture of my future, whatever it is it's better in the saddle, better inside my head and much better out. With the caffeine fading 10 hours after and my ears more full than my stomach I have a longer view than I've had in months. The longer days and shorter nights are good for the legs.

Untitled

When I was in 2nd grade I became friends with a kid who lived real close by, only about a half mile, but it was across a cornfield, which was fine, it was a safe walk but since he was gone every summer I only had a few months of the year where we would play after school and walk home from each other's houses. The corn grew (it's now houses) and was pretty high by the time school ended and was about harvested by the time school restarted in the fall and he was back from summer camp. But mid winter I'd be walking home from his house in the dark and sometimes snowy harvested cornfield for 15 minutes of fear. You see, I am and always have been afraid of the dark, It's been a constant, that thing I can't see is going to get me and if it's dark-it's there. If it's light out-I'm safe. I've mentioned it before here but lately the situation has had me doing my skis and rides in the light. No operating on the margins. Free time, right?
I can't help but draw parallels between sprinting thru a cornfield after dark and where I am right now. In the dark but close to safety, only a little sprint to the warmth of the next step. I know support isn't endless and at some point I'll commit to a new path. Just like running in the dark across the cut corn it's a broad swath, I only need a narrow one cut out from the breadth of that field. I don't ask too many questions only giving myself answers to the ones I know.

Nada

Hours before the sun comes up you can see that purple light coming out in pieces. Thru the snow, It's February, in August it pushes me out the door. Today it's different, today I have nowhere to go but where I am, comforting and defeating at the same time. No hats to wear, no lines to cross. Manufacture success and build a better future.

Nada

Hours before the sun comes up you can see that purple light coming out in pieces. Thru the snow, It's February, in August it pushes me out the door. Today it's different, today I have nowhere to go but where I am, comforting and defeating at the same time. No hats to wear, no lines to cross. Manufacture success and build a better future.

Revisions

If you could go back, would you?
A left, not a right, up, not down, every reaction to the initial action.
I'd like to think I made the best possible choices because if not the pool is and I'm still struggling to swim, in water over my head. Treading water for that long-80 years +/- What else can you do?
Easy to say this was good, that was bad, sometimes. In the end you're left with the pile of good and the pile of bad. Does it matter which pile is bigger on the last day?

Taking Away

Early is relative. looking at clocks at the wrong times and without the right amount of fatigue eases my mind to a different place. I find myself here a bit more often lately, rested in the physical sense but battling the mental din. How do I rest that part? How is it that the two aren't woven together? That they coexist on different planes? The new order of days is less new and I press through, cutting away all of the time to a more simple, pared down pile of shit. Everything is reduced in my head, my own pile smaller so I may more easily see my own excess, the surfeit that I know is my own, and cut that deeper. I'm not seeing the result, only focusing on the process.

Chemistry

I have very few absolutes, the list of eventualities is seemingly endless even when the scope is narrowed and I look down my little tunnel. Nothing too broad, sharp surgical strokes, no great swath is being cut here, just pointing it straight as I can right now and taking my own lines, however skewed and varied they can may be. In the meantime several below 0 days have put the focus inside, doors and head, no dearth of introspection in these dark days. Managing nothing and accomplishing only slightly more. Roasting past mistakes on a spit. Restless and bordering on rested in the same breath.