Too

I want the quiet of the woods more than the quiet in my head.
Listen to the noise too long and you start to believe in it.
You listen to the shit and then it gets too loud, superlatives aside
Be out and believe, it can't rain all the time.

Friday only not so much

I felt it yesterday, it wasn't the wind or the bike moving around under me or the too warm day outside of Denver, it was more the feeling I had in my legs, the feeling that I had too many days with skis and not enough with pedals. Tightness where there shouldn't be and short lived efforts that usually are longer. Maybe this is all a product of a 200 inch winter and a long list of XC skiing days coupled with a short list of rides. I know it's late January but I like the work, maybe I need more of the work with wheels and less of the pleasant and mind soothing sliding thru the woods on skis.
The wind was just right, no leaning into the cross wind to keep from getting knocked over, usually what a warm winter day holds, Finishing with a 7 mile climb and a mind quieting descent to the car was better than Prozac. I think.

Woods at night

Today the push was more about the loss than the gain. Inside my head I argued with the trees, the sounds, & the shadows, knowing I was only paranoid just to kid myself into thinking I wasn't going to get eaten, clubbed or speared. Sliding across the snow I argued with myself.  Forced my effort and made it through. Opening windows, turning up my headphones to not hear what isn't there.

New

I want to have new ideas, young thoughts, let them grow and mature, kids now to grow into adults later. Whether they be articles not yet written on prose not yet laid out. For whatever reason the well has gone dry. I know there is more warmth in thought and more food in ideas. I just need to find it. Keep with me, I have it somewhere in the head, it's just that that door is closed right now, I need to find my keys. Or, pick my locks and get in the kitchen, cooking up fresh thoughts while burning off the shit I don't need crowding out the goodness to see the light of day.

Bargain

More clear that the vision is, and less voice behind the wind has the winter work progressing.
Trying to trade, bargain, the way in a second you lie to yourself mid race that if the body allows another few minutes of pain you'll be extra nice and give a rest, not do 3 hours and eat a half peanut butter sandwich, hydrate in favor of refueling. All of the white lies we tell inside our head, too many to list, to embarrassing to own up to. All of them in line waiting for the reward they were promised.

12/29

Like losing more than myself, pushing thru the boundaries, real and imagined.
Guilt is easier than success, it brings more good work.
If it were easy the guilt would evaporate, I like that it doesn't.
A random thought I had a while ago 'self loathing is a better training tool than an SRM.'
Pleased, insofar as a candid snapshot mid stream, not quite able to touch either side,
But in the middle I swim.

Want

For all of my life, especially as a kid I had want, whether birthdays or Xmas, I wanted. Silly, materialistic, things I had no business desiring. Perhaps that's why as an adult (read-parent) I have had to come around to liking the holidays/birthdays, no kid wants a curmudgeon for a father, baby steps. Not that I was alone in wanting- I just never quite managed my expectations, something as an adult I have become quite adept at accomplishing. Presents or less concrete, ethereal goals were commonplace. Now, as I place more of my life in the past than the future I want time. Time, to climb passes I cannot pronounce so well. Time to have the fortitude to ride too far and come home shattered. Limping in on fumes, so blown food is an after thought. Chipping away at the pile of stuff that becomes more of who we are than who we are is cathartic and cleansing. Personal space in a shrinking world.

New leaf

Trying to push thru what is left of the cross season and get thru the holidays has me coming to terms with the fact that - though I may try otherwise- I am at best a club cyclist. Diminished returns, unrequited lust for bigger races and better results has left a mark on my season. I know now that I do need better rubber for certain heavier days and the preparation will begin sooner in 2011. Also looking ahead while looking over my shoulder has me setting unrelated to CX goals. I think the idea of a century a month will get me out for some real base work thru September, that'll be 9 of them before the first CX race. The Rapha crew's Festive 500 inspired this idea. Trying to get in 500km (310 miles) at 9800 ft in a ski town over Xmas week is not only unrealistic it borders on suicidal. Between altitude sickness addled Texans and txting teens my ass would certainly not make it to the new year alive. Instead I'll try to do a festive 310 mi on my own schedule before January 15. Start the year off right!
I guess on some level the fact that I am putting this out to all 4 of you that read my drivel has me thinking I may follow thru on this one. It might suck but isn't that the idea? Cross is about done so how else to suffer than in the wind and motor-wash of winter. Expect more crappy reporting on my efforts to get it done. I figure the first 3 months will be the hardest, after that slightly easier.

Playground

I'm off the teeter totter and on the merry go round, you know the one, around in circles and you don't get anywhere. That's what it's like, a little bit "Groundhog Day" and a little bit Sisyphus. Trying to be happy about the holidays while looking ahead. Always ahead, but savor the now all the while.

Nagoya

Riding around pretty much aimless with maybe 2 landmarks I could use to get me back before I was deemed missing. Not that I was going to be missed, that's different. I knew of a few high points with which to see how far off I was, then I could find my way to the central TV tower. And, from there the way back. All on a pre sunrise ride on a 3 speed early 80s era city commuter bike. I couldn't have asked for more.